As I write this, my 15 year old cat, Hazel, is in the dying process. I’m supporting her with my love, plenty of raw milk and by remembering her true essence – the fierce warrior kitty that she will always be.
I find myself bursting into tears at this slow ‘letting go’ and doing my best to lean into feeling it all.
Maybe it’s random, but her decline happened to coincide with a parallel grieving I was experiencing.
I was looking back at my old journals written around 2018 – 2021. This was when I was eyeball-deep into life coaching – harnessing the power of mindset and taking consistent action to reach my goals.
My focus was on 2 big areas of life:
- My body (making it better – which meant “smaller” – more fit and toned.)
- My business (making it better – which meant “bigger” – more money and success.)
Page after page I could FEEL the enormous amount of pressure and determination I had to muster in order to achieve both of these “BIG” goals.
And you know what, I DID get better in both areas…
I actually did it!
BUT then 2 bigger things started to emerge….
- …the truth about why I had these goals to begin with was deeply rooted in fear and lack….These were old “I’m not enough, must be better.” beliefs rooted from childhood and reinforced/distorted by our culture.
- …the absolute DISCONNECTION from my emotions and body along with a continuous DRAINING of my energy and life force by placing so much of my self-worth and identify on these not quite aligned “goals”.
I saw on every page how completely in my “mind” and barely in my “heart” and “body” I was.
What I “thought” I needed to feel accepted, valued and “safe” in this body – in this life – in this society – was thinness, youth, more money and business achievements….
None of these were actually real or true for me.
And so, as I perused my journals, I recognized the lacquered overlay of positive psychology, gritty determination and what I convinced myself to be “aligned beliefs”, but it was SO SO surface level.
I read through my own BS and deeply felt this now dying part of me. I cried for her. After a brief period of self-judgement, I grew in my knowingness and compassion for this version of me. My Little Ev.
As “smart” as she was, she simply didn’t know what she knows now.
She desperately hung on to her insecurities and ego-protections adapted from childhood…
She fell hook, line and sinker for the cultural programming around looks, body image, health, success and materialism.
She just didn’t know.
Now I know.
And so I’ve been grieving this time in my life. Many of you were right here following along with me as I wrote about my weight loss journey. (I thank you for evolving with me.)
And I hope you stick around as you, me, we – step MORE and MORE into our truth, our self worth, our authenticity and self acceptance.
As we break down the false identities, aspirations and lies that have been dictating how we must BE to be our “best self” living our “best life”.
As we allow the house of cards, built on sand, to wash away as we create more of what’s REAL.
This doesn’t mean you have to get fat and live in poverty by the way.
This is about building the most authentic, solid foundation AS you are guided to create what you truly desire.
What’s real for me now isn’t necessarily a smaller body or more money or hustling to grow a bigger business. It isn’t the opposite of these things either.
Aspects of some of that old stuff still holds a spark of desire.
Perhaps that spark is residual old “lack” programming…
…or perhaps it’s because of how I imagine my body and life might FEEL…
My work is to discern from within and to be guided by that deeper knowing.
What’s real for me now is being in a body and life I fully enjoy, that I embody and experience at all levels.
“Work” that feels like I’m living my life! That is aligned and that fills my heart…balanced with the time and freedom to be and do whatever it is I am guided toward in my experience.
Space to allow more acceptance and trust to guide my heart, body, mind and behaviors toward only what’s authentic and true for me.
More play. More lightness. More connection.
Because honoring what’s actually best for me – for you – is what lifts and nurtures this world – and that’s all that matters.
What about you? Have your priorities shifted into more self honesty and inner alignment too?
Have you reflected on how you were, what you believed and what felt most important to you then through the lens of you NOW?
Have you grieved past versions of you…your “Little You”?
Although this letting go and grieving process will likely be painful, I feel it’s the most important work we can do for ourselves, for our loved ones and for the world.
Please reach out if you need support through whatever it is you’re exploring…
xo,
Ev
