The Comparison Trap

Did I ever tell you about the time my husband took me on a surprise cruise for my 40th birthday?

It was very sweet…our first ever cruise. I was SOOO excited.

We arrived on the ship in all of it’s decked-out, flashy glory, cocktails in hand… and then…my worst nightmare…

A posse of bikini clad babes enters the scene. Slinking around and draping themselves all over Vince Neil (the lead singer of Motley Crue – a heavy metal band from the 80s, in case you forgot/didn’t know).

My poor husband had no idea (and apparently neither did the travel agent) that half the ship was reserved for the annual Motley Crue Cruise. 🤦🏻‍♀️ (I was like, Seriously?! Are you kidding me?!)

I have to say, at first I thought it was pretty cool.. I mean, I used to listen to Motley Crue back in the day. Vince Neil’s a superstar!

But seeing all those ‘GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS” (one of their biggest hits) nearly naked, high heeled, perfectly tone, long legs for days, well…it got to me…

I immediately felt stumpy, frumpy, fat, ugly, old and uncool.

I was caught in the “Trance of Unworthiness” (from Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach) – an uncomfortably compelling zone of shame, not-enough-ness and jealousy. I felt insecure and inferior in every way.

The funny thing is, if the ship was filled with regular ol’ families and senior citizens, I’d probably feel better about myself. Maybe even confident and superior.

Which should give you a hint about where this post is going.

Looking back, I was completely in victim-blame-shame mode. It felt IMPOSSIBLE for me to take any sort of responsibility for how I chose to frame this experience.

But now I know, my perception in ANY situation, is ALL on me.

Because I wasn’t grounded in any sort of self-awareness, self-love or self-worth and had no concept about taking full responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, the only option I felt I had was comparison and judgement. I let those groupies become “threats” to my fragile ego > feeding into my warped body image and distorted definitions of beauty.

That’s the trap we tend to walk into when we default to our survival/primal brain.

We’ve all done it, but our POWER comes from choosing NOT to fall into the trap (by choosing to rise into the higher brain).

So here’re the steps I would offer if I were coaching my younger self back then:

1. NOTICE THE TRAP!– With practice, you’ll get better and better at noticing when you’re walking into the comparison trap sooner than later.

Sure, there are times when I can still compare a friend or colleague’s success or ‘nicer stuff’ – or a how some clothes look better on a taller, thinner model/influencer – or how smooth someone’s hair looks on a humid day compared to mine, but I’m catching the traps earlier and earlier the more I realize those comparisons aren’t serving me.

2. CONNECT & ALLOW YOUR EMOTIONS – As you notice you’re nearing (or in) the comparison trap, ask yourself how you’re feeling. You can start with a binary assessment: Positive or Negative? If negative, try and go to the next layer of identifying the top emotion or emotions this comparison is generating inside of you.

In my silly, frizzy hair example, the emotion is ‘amusing frustration’ – the level of frustration is fairly benign or neutral. I can accept myself and my hair and just move on.

In the Motley Cruise example, the emotions I was generating were shame, envy and self-loathing. I just wanted to jump overboard and live amongst the mermaids (but they’re super hot too! UGH!)…which brings me to the last step:

3. DECIDE TO RELEASE & REFRAME – As you connect with your feelings, allow them to be felt and move through you…then your ‘choice point’ is one of 2 directions:

1. Stay in the comparison trap with all these negative feelings – enforcing the beliefs and thoughts that generated them.
2. Choose to reframe your thoughts and beliefs into something that feels better, lighter, or at least more neutral < if positive isn’t possible or authentic for you. Pro tip: Feeling grateful for what you DO have really helps with this.

If I had these tools 13 years ago, our cruise would’ve been way more intimate and fun.

Instead of wallowing, moping, hiding and drinking to escape my feelings, I COULD’ve chosen to simply let it go and laugh it all off…

I mean, it’s a pretty funny story, isn’t it?

My insecurities were entirely self inflicted. It’s not like my husband was ogling the women and wanted to dump me. He adores me and only wants me to be happy.

Just like everything I cover here, sometimes these PRACTICES are easier said than done. (I can’t emphasize enough the practice piece. I still fall in the trap sometimes because – well, I’m human…I have insecurities sometimes…so just allow for that.)

The more secure you are in WHO you are, the more you’ll be able to rise above that primal fear-based brain that’s WIRED to assess and make the comparison and classify it as a threat. (btw that’s it’s job. Nothing is wrong with you!)

As soon as you can, simply recognize that this survival instinct is steeped in distorted beliefs, fear and scarcity that don’t actually exist outside of your own mind. There is no real survival threat. Then consciously CHOOSE to shift into higher levels of being KNOWING that you and your life are pretty freakin’ great as is.

xo,

Ev