Willpower

Ya – willpower is surprisingly not the best strategy to change habits, patterns and behavior.

I just finished reading The Little Book of Big Change by Amy Johnson, PhD. In it she talks about how anyone can change any habit – with less energy, less suffering and with less rebound by NOT relying on willpower to do so.

She explains that willpower (she calls it “won’t power”) is simply more thinking layered on top of the original habitual thinking that created the habit to begin with. And so, it’s effectiveness requires a tremendous amount of sustained focus and energy that is only derived from the conscious mind.

Here’s the problem with that: The pattern you’re trying to break free from lives in the subconscious mind.  That part of our mind is running the show on auto-pilot – it’s as automatic as a reflex – and – as the glacier analogy illustrates – the odds of success using the conscious mind alone are not in your favor.

Would you bet on 10% odds?

Of course not, so don’t.

As I was reading through the book, I kept looking for the solution to jump out. “What is the secret?” “What new tool can I show my clients to help them break their patterns – and my own?”

Sorry folks – Amy says it a little differently than I do, but it still boils down to mindfulness – awareness – higher consciousness.

There is nothing you can “do” or force or make happen to create the deeper pattern change. You need to rise above the subconscious thought, notice the sensations and stories as they arise, keep practicing – observing them pass by and DO NOT give up at the first signs of failure or slipping – you will fail and slip.

You have to be open, notice, get curious and allow the pattern to transform into your desired state – and to make it stick, you have to allow for this insight to grow over and over and over again.

And watch out!… because your lower survival brain – that wounded inner child voice (Amy calls it the primitive lizard brain) will likely rear her scared, insistent head – telling you to: just have another one, you blew it, it’s too cold out, you don’t belong at that gym, you’re too far gone, it won’t work, you can’t change, you can’t afford that, you deserve that and the trickiest trap: you need to relax.

I love how the author explains how:

“…a large portion of the relaxation and pleasant feelings that come from your habit..is the release of the tension created by the urge. “

– Dr. Amy Johnson, The Little Book of Big Change

This I know from when I was a chain smoker:

Smoking didn’t actually make me relaxed. Nicotine and all the toxins in cigarettes are the opposite of relaxation physically. Smoking just relieved the incredible physical urge I felt in my body when I was awake and not smoking. I would tense up until I could light the next one – and the next one and so on. My brain wired itself to this habit so I didn’t even have to think about whether I should smoke or not, I just felt the signal (physical uncomfortable sensation) that indicated that I needed to smoke – and I felt this all the time for 9 years until I finally quit at 23 (through the grace of God – and some accidental mindset work – which I went into in a previous post).

Notice this the next time you think you need chocolate, bread, cookies or popcorn after dinner. Or another snack. Or a glass of wine or beer. Or a new sweater or gadget. Or whatever it is you want to stop habitually doing.

When the habit is deeply wired – locked down – there’s barely even a mental consideration needed on your part. You just make a bee-line to the cabinet, fridge or BUY button – almost as if you were being pulled to do so.

This is completely normal – completely human – and there is nothing wrong with you. You just have to notice this habit, shine the light on it fully – and know that it is changeable (also the name of the author’s podcast) .

Remind yourself that you want something different for your life and allow that physical discomfort and tension to pass on by – like a cloud in the sky. Know that you won’t die from not relieving the uncomfortable tension of the urge. Also know that over time, the urges will fade more and more as the neural connection to your old habit weakens and your new ideal pattern gets stronger.

Another key insight in the book is the cycle of chasing solutions that are outside of ourselves when the “root root cause” of the habit is deep inside of us. We all do this.

I started smoking to fit in high school. I overate and ate junk food to distract myself from the pain I felt growing up. I started drinking for the same reasons and that morphed into a wine habit as an adult – to “relax” and deal with stress – to avoid facing and feeling my feelings. (Go back to the archives to read all about that!)

We develop these habits to compensate for something that’s missing or misaligned in our lives. The habit is just a distraction. We think the problem is the habit, when really it’s something much deeper in our lives that we’re avoiding – something we must allow to heal and release.

At this time of year, you’re likely ripe with resolutions – or at least plans for a better year. You’re going to hit the gym, eat more vegetables, quit sugar or drinking, stop overspending, work on your sleep. Whatever IT is, the focus is usually on an external action – something outside of you that you’re either going to start or stop doing.

Going back to the glacier analogy and willpower: Maybe the average person has enough external tools/systems/scheduling and “willpower” to get through a couple weeks of January (at best), but without internal work – that higher level of consciousness – most will abandon their New Year’s Resolutions and goals eventually because the subconscious patterns are still in the dark – and they simply take over – they DOMINATE – like the hidden part of the glacier.

Again – there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not weak. You’re not a failure or loser.

It wasn’t a fair “fight” to begin with – 9 against 1!

You need to tap into to the subconscious programming and work at that inner level – over and over again – and then feel free to experiment with all the outside stuff like diets and workouts and budgets, etc…to support the desired change.

This is why coaching is so powerful. Left to your own devises, it’s too easy to give up, chase the next shiny new diet or plan (that will “work” this time!)- that eventually leaves you frustrated – spinning your wheels – stuck – not getting anywhere.

As a nutritionist that coaches clients, I help you stay the course and expose the subconscious patterns and false beliefs that have kept you stuck. You just have to show up. You wouldn’t be coming to me if you weren’t stuck, right?

We adjust the sails with diet and lifestyle along the way, but with a coach that understands this stuff, you’re still always moving ahead. Most of the time it’s making subtle inner shifts moreso than losing big numbers on a scale – sometimes it’s both – inner and outer.

Those of you that stick with it – that allow the process to unfold – making space for that deep inner healing to take place, you know what I’m talking about. It’s not always sexy and fast. It’s often slow and boring.

Crash diets are fast and may seem exciting at first, but they’re soul crushing on all levels in the end. If you’ve been on the yo-yo dieting ‘lose and regain it all back plus some’ rollercoaster more than once, you’re likely over it, am I right? #wisdom

What matters is that you show up – keep going – keep connecting – inner and outer – all the time.

Friends, I’m wishing you an amazing 2019 of inner and outer transformation in your one and only beautiful life. <3