I’ll often hear frustrated clients or friends complain that they constantly self-sabotage and can’t seem to stop.
They’ve got their plan and they’re on their path to self improvement or dietary change, drinking less, spending less, improving their relationships or their work or life, etc.., but then they somehow mess up and label it as “self-sabotage” (aka: mess up, fail, lack discipline, will-power or consistency)….
It’s that old “Angel-Devil” scenario:
But your self-sabotage is actually rooted more in self-preservation and self-protection which comes from that survival part of your brain paired with a dysregulated nervous system > which signals an automatic response to “fight, flight, freeze or fawn” > which leads to patterns of behavior that feel better and/or that avoid pain/discomfort.
In times of misalignment, overwhelm or “stress”, your higher level of consciousness (that holds your goals) will take a back seat to your more primal brain that only cares most about your survival – including the survival of your old familiar identity.
So in truth, what you may call self-sabotage or failure – is actually just an indication that there’s a part of your consciousness that perceives the changes you want to make – on top of the stressful circumstances that may be present in your life – as serious threats.
Your “Higher Self” – the pre-frontal cortex part of the brain – DESIRES CHANGE in order to feel better, look better, accomplish something great that will make life better…..
….but that scared “Inner Child” (often called the Lizard or Reptilian part of the lower brain or amygdala) is signaling to your nervous system:
ALERT – “She’s trying to change! OR “NO WAY – I’ve got too much to deal with in my life right now! I’ll deal with this goal or change later.”
And that’s where the proverbial “Devil on your shoulder” that leads to self-sabotage gets more air-time. Like the Devil himself, this voice is clever, conniving – it makes a very convincing case.
But this signal to sabotage isn’t coming from some demon entity outside of you…
This is ALL YOU.
It’s likely an unhealed part of your consciousness that’s terrified to change and/or is really attached to a certain way of doing things (habits, patterns, behaviors, reactions, belief structures, etc..).
This part of you feels way more comfy, safe and secure staying right where she is, doing what she always does (thank you very much!).
The next time you catch yourself framing yourself or your behaviors as “self-sabotaging” or weak-willed – or you tell yourself that “you’ll never change”, take a deep breath and shift into any or all of these self-empowering questions instead:
- Why is this thought or behavior here? What’s it trying to tell me or show me?
- Where’s the lie? Look for the “story”, reason, rationale or excuses your brain is coming up with. Challenge and dismiss them all because they’re like loopholes your brain will use again and again.
- What am I REALLY afraid of if I’m successful in making this change – or reaching this goal?
- Why is this goal or change so important to me?
- What will change in my life or in my relationships when I AM successful with this change or goal?
- Why am I choosing to frame this change or goal as “hard”? Have I done “hard things”” in the past? Have I overcome challenges in my life before?
- What in my life is so overwhelming that I’m choosing to put this change or goal aside?
- Where am I taking-things-on out of habit, obligation, guilt, a lack of self-worth or by default that add to my stress/obligation bucket?
- What boundaries are lacking that allow this imbalance which leads to overwhelm which leads to “self-sabotage”? Where is there opportunity to create better boundaries? What do I want to let-go of and take off my plate? How can I start to make that happen?
- How can I better regulate my nervous system so that it’s not defaulting to “Fight or Flight” self protection mode? (i.e., breathing, embodiment practices, nature, journaling, talking it out, music, doing things you love (that don’t involve what you’re trying to stop doing, obvi 💁🏻♀️.
When you CHOOSE to step out of being the “Victim” of your self-sabotage – or your past patterns or traumas- and what you might label as your hardships, circumstances or shortcomings – and you instead CHOOSE to step into your true power – everything and anything you wish to create is possible for you.
Start by being curious. Let me know how you do with this. 💓
