Doing the Body Image Work
Last September, on the recommendation of my coach, I scheduled a personal branding photo-shoot.
The corporate looking headshots I had weren’t really reflecting the REAL ME or what I want to convey to YOU; so this was loooong overdue.
Plus, I’d lost 20 pounds earlier that year, my hormones and health – more balanced than ever, so I was feeling really good about myself and my journey thus far.
< I chose Hallie Westcott Photography because I worked with her for this clinic headshot a few years back.
She’s around my age and she’s just so kind, warm and easy going…Even though at the time this headshot was taken, I had MAJOR uncertainty, self image issues AND I was going through the throes of menopause; Hallie made me feel as comfortable as I’d allow myself to be – given the awkwardness involved in getting my picture taken.
(Is this just me? I’d rather be in a snake pit a-la Ragnar Lothbrok than in front of a camera.)
Although exhausting and draining, the personal branding photoshoot went great!
Hallie was so patient and professional …even with ME – still being awkward AF – and HER assuring me of how great the shots looked and reminding me of my ‘WHY’.
We KNEW we got some amazing images.
Except something happened in my head when she shared some proofs.
In my head, I started to spiral.
I actually went to a very dark, depressed place.
I couldn’t pull myself out of it either, so I used some of my life coach/journaling tools to help me process.
I actually wrote down all of the hateful thoughts that came up.
Many of you know I use Thought Modeling as my go-to tool for working through ANY challenge in life. I use this tool myself regularly – and with my clients – even my daughters will use it. It’s literally changed my life for the WAAYYY better.
And WOAH, did I have a doozy “Thought Download” about my photoshoot. I hesitated to share this at the time for fear that you’d think was mentally deranged, but I know for sure that I’m not alone here.
Here were my thoughts at the time:
I look worse than I think I do. I’m delusional.
I think I look good in the mirror, but I don’t on camera. Why?
My teeth are bad.
I have squinty eyes.
My jowls and jaw line aren’t as taut as I thought.
I look thick in the waist.
My arms look big.
I look hippy.
This outfit isn’t flattering.
I don’t look good.
My hair looks awful. My makeup’s not right.
I look old.
I look fat/big/out of shape.
I look uncomfortable/awkward.
I’m ugly/not beautiful.
Ouch.
Harsh.
Would I ever say these words to another person?
No. Never.
But here they were, living in my head. Directed right at me.
The whole point of the thought download is to get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper.
It’s actually like taking a big ol’ flashlight and exposing the dank, hidden darkness – so that it doesn’t fester in your brain and body….so that these thoughts don’t become your distorted truth….that then shapes the rest of your life.
Using these tools, I was able to shift every single one of these thoughts – and – after a rather off – ‘ick-feeling’ weekend of processing, I began to feel OK again. I even began to feel really good about the images – and myself. I really love them now.
I was able to let go of the self loathing – that old critical voice that still makes appearances in my head sometimes.
Aside from sharing my dark body image thoughts, what I now ask YOU to think about it is where YOU are with your self talk and body image.
What does the voice in your head tell you about your body?
Do you have distorted thinking about how you look too?
If so, do you know where this comes from? Are you open to shifting to better serving thoughts now?
In his research and book, The Body Image Workbook, Thomas Cash, PhD provides valuable insight and tools to help you identify and heal your relationship with your self image. This workbook is extensive, so if this is an area you’d like to explore and improve, buy the workbook!
Doing some of the exercises, I realize that I’m really not too bad body-image scoring wise… NOW. (Had I done the assessments last fall or in the past, it probably would’ve been a different story.)
Despite what a few of my friends have implied when I share my darkest feelings like these, I don’t actually have body dysmorphia in a diagnosable sense. (This effects less than 2% of the population – it’s defined as an obsessive preoccupation with one’s appearance. Think of those addicted to plastic surgery on shows like BOTCHED as potential sufferers of this condition.)
I have my moments though – like the photo shoot aftermath moments.
I’d say I more likely lean toward what Cash calls “self presentational perfectionism” – defined as the need to present oneself as perfectly as possible.
I do put importance on my appearance – particularly with my work, videos, meeting new people, clients, going out on the town or to an event…but make no mistake, although I love doing my makeup and wearing nice clothes …most days – especially when I’m working from home – I do not care AT ALL. (Sorry – not sorry, Dave, Ellie …and my neighbors!)
Thinking back though, most of my old body image distortions started at a young age and got further engrained in Junior High – through High School, college and beyond (although as I got older as a teen into my 20s, I used ‘partying’ as a way to escape those and other feelings of inadequacy, but those deeply seeded feelings couldn’t be erased with substances…they were always still there – living/festering – even through my pregnancy/post baby days and my later adulting years too).
Using the top row of the chart above, culturally/socially – I grew up in a time and with a family who valued women being “trim” (being influenced by the Jackie-O era – and Mom, if you’re reading, I don’t blame you…This is just what YOU knew and it was part of your programming too.)
I went to catholic schools that tolerated name-calling and teasing (including from the nuns!) “Heavy Evy” and “Evelyn the Elephant” come to mind – even though I wasn’t large or overweight. I was just never super skinny.
Personality wise, I tended toward the shy and quiet. I’m a full-fledged introvert, so I learned early-on that:
It’s best NOT to be seen – to NOT stand out – and it’s ALWAYS better to be thin.
In other words:
Shrink. Stay smaller. Be safe.
^ My younger mind figured that THIS would be the easiest way to avoid being criticized or teased AND it would be the best way to be accepted by my family, peers and society.
So this:
Appearance = Self worth = Acceptance = Survival – programming that I took on when I was a child is still in my brain. (Yep – I thought I was fat in this picture from the 80s.)
Fast forward to my 50s and those old critical thoughts can still come back…even after making so many strides with my own personal development – and in my work with clients.
So why did these thoughts resurface with this photoshoot?
Well, it’s very likely because…by it’s very nature of being a PERSONAL BRANDING photoshoot…I’m putting my SELF out there more as a personal brand.
I’m basically asking to be seen. YIKES!
That’s what online blogging, sharing content and marketing yourself as a product/service provider actually IS!
So what did my brain default to with those images?
It started picking apart every little thing wrong with every single image of me. Nothing was good enough. The pictures could’ve come out with me looking like Cindy Crawford and it STILL wouldn’t have mattered.
But NOW I know none of this was true…This was all just old survival programming.
And I realized soon enough that this thinking doesn’t serve me.
It ONLY keeps me stuck and miserable.
I want you to know how important it is to be aware of this tendency because this knowledge has the potential to empower you to be able to consciously SHIFT how you think about your body, your Self and your LIFE.
Even though I’ve done so much work on myself, therapy, life coaching, healing, education, research, practice, practice, and more practice – this crap still comes up for me too.
The REAL work is in choosing not to believe the lies your brain will tell you in an effort to try and keep you safe, small and stuck. Practice showing your brain how to shift and how to be open to higher level thinking.
DO NOT let numbers on a scale, size tags, a few eating/drinking slips – or bad lighting, postures or angles – mean that you are anything less than beautiful, perfect and worthy…you, my dear, are always worthy. <3
