Yep, I Have Cravings Too

And Why Relying on Willpower and Discipline Won’t Work for Weight Loss

I have cravings…pretty much everyday.  I crave wine, chocolate or something a little sweet or crunchy, salty. Cravings may have a physiological component, but they’re triggered (and responded to) by your mind.

At times you may feel powerless when faced with a craving.  As if you’re possessed by it. That proverbial devil and angel on each shoulder – with the devil’s call being so much louder and compelling.

What if I were to tell you, your urges and cravings are just a product of your thoughts and habits and that you are in complete control of how you respond to them? They are not controlling you and you are not powerless.

You may want to blame the cookies and vino cravings with statements like: “I can’t stop.” “I can’t resist.” “I’m addicted to sugar!” “I just love XYZ food.” “I can’t just have one.”, but these are just thoughts and sensations that you choose to act on – nothing more. You are in charge.

It’s time to take back your power.

In a recent post I shared the S.A.N.E.R. framework that will help you create an awareness when it comes to your cravings, urges, habits and patterns -and most importantly, it will change your relationship with this pattern…. IF (and only IF), the change you seek is something that you deep down, really, really want.

Because if you don’t really want to change – If you’re scared that changing might alter your relationships, the unspoken expectations others have for you – that this change may shift your life in an uncertain way…Know this: it will!

If you don’t really want a different result or outcome –  I can guarantee you ‘that behavior’ (that thing you ‘kinda sorta’ want to change but are scared to or are not sure of) will continue. 

You may get by temporarily by playing on the surface, white knuckling it and using your sheer will and discipline to resist the craving, but that takes a tremendous amount of focus, effort and energy. Resources that are in finite supply. In other words, IT’S NOT SUSTAINABLE. You WILL cave.

Why not get to the source of the craving? Your thoughts and feelings and the subconscious patterns that you’ve developed over the years (that you used to use) to help you get relief from whatever discomfort you perceive.

In this post I’m going to get into the foundation of changing your relationship with cravings and urges by deep diving into the ‘S’ component of the S.A.N.E.R. framework: 

Setting your intention. Getting clear on your desired state. Clearly connecting with and being 100% in alignment with the vision you have for yourself. 

In the weight loss world, not going deep into the REAL WHY you want to change a habit or pattern – one that has likely been with you for decades – will be the difference between success and failure.

This is a composite of what I hear from ladies nearly every day. It may go something like this:

I want to lose 20 pounds because I feel fat and disgusting – none of my clothes fit and I’m so frustrated. I hate how I look.  Plus my doctor’s concerned about my blood work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have XYZ coming up and I want this weight gone!

With the desired change I’ve made with alcohol, my first ‘why’ went something like this:

I am sick of tossing and turning and waking up in the middle of the night because I drank too much wine.  It makes me feel like crap and then I waste the entire next day. Plus I feel and look puffy and can’t lose weight despite eating and exercising right.  Why can’t I just stop after one glass or just take it or leave it like ‘so and so’ does?

With both scenarios, you see how the negative results are initiating the desire to make positive changes, but the negative charge with this level of “WHY” isn’t strong or deep enough to actually uncover or change the underlying pattern.

If we look at the weight loss example, a powerful tool I recommend is called ‘The 5 Why’s’. You just ask yourself  “WHY?” at least 5 more times to get to more of the root of the desire to change.  It may go something like this:

I want to lose 20 lbs. 

1. WHY? Because I feel fat and disgusting and my doctor told me to.
2. WHY? Because the way I look and feel makes me feel bad about myself.  I feel like people are judging me/looking down on me and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. This is not who I am or how I want to look or live anymore. Plus I don’t want to be put on medication or develop diabetes/heart disease, etc..
   
3. WHY? Because the way I feel holds me back from being fully intimate with my partner and from doing fun things like swimming in the ocean, wearing cool clothes and dancing with my friends. I have no energy. I’m scared that having to take medication will lead to more health decline.
4. WHY? I feel self conscious and I just want to cover up and hide. I want to feel attractive and vibrant, not frumpy and fat. I want to live a long healthy life so that I can enjoy my family as I get older and not be a burden to them.
5. WHY? Because I no longer want to hold myself back from living. I want to love my life fully and love myself fully. I want to move with confidence and energy in every part of my life. I have a lot to offer and I want to enjoy each moment of this precious life. I want to be free and healthy until I die.

Ahhhh – OK that’s getting to the root and becoming more powerful and positively charged now. But there’s still so much to unpack here:

• We could go even deeper with questioning whether or not losing the 20 lbs will actually change how you feel about yourself (often we think it will, but it doesn’t).
• Many times, we’re just striving for a parental or societal ideal, an unrealistic image, a number on the scale from high school or a BMI chart that actually doesn’t equate to being healthier, doesn’t support our current physiology and won’t make us truly happy.  Self acceptance and happiness is 100% an inside job – nothing external can provide these feelings.
• Another key point: The 20 pounds isn’t holding you back. Your THOUGHTS about the 20 pounds are holding you back.  Plenty of overweight people are healthy, have perfect blood work, feel confident,  swim, dance and enjoy life fully.
• You may also have concerns that others will reject you if you change or that you’ll receive unwanted attention or uncomfortable questions. Part of you may believe that life will be boring and restrictive. This alone can weaken your intent and send you right back to the comfort and certainty of the very pattern you want to change. This is a very common disconnect I come across with clients.

In my weight loss journey of forcing myself to lose 20 pounds over and over again for decades, I had significant body dysmorphia. I always saw myself as awkward and bigger than the other girls in high school and college.

Growing up, my mother was very focused on weight and caring a LOT about what people thought (she used to be very Jackie-O prim and proper).  She didn’t realize her comments subconsciously cut to my core. I translated her messages into: Unless I was thin and perfect, I wouldn’t be good enough (for her).

Even though my mom wasn’t overtly critical about my weight, she was unknowingly passive aggressive about it.  Comments like, “What a great haircut, now you just need to lose a little weight..” come to mind. My early tween brain translated that into: “You’re not enough.”  and “In order to be accepted, you need to be thinner.”

I didn’t understand at the time that her projections were all about HER insecurities, fear and programming. They didn’t have anything to do with me (other than her belief that my appearance reflected on her.)

These false beliefs and other message tangles from my peers and the media informed my thoughts, my interactions, behaviors and of course, they felt painful and uncomfortable. The primal need for acceptance – especially from your family – is very strong. These messages became a significant part of my neural programming.

Ironically,  the way I would make myself feel better was by eating – then by drinking/partying.  Obviously, neither are conducive to health or weight loss, but they  were available, easy to administer and did the job of disconnecting me from the pain and discomfort that I carried – at least temporarily.

But then the consequences would make matters worse and I began the whole yo-yo dieting cycle. Never really getting to the root cause. Just looking for another diet, meal plan, practitioner, test or exercise regimen to get the weight off and feel better. Over and over, diet after diet, drinking and not drinking, detoxing and cleanses, test after test – all leading back to the old cravings and patterns eventually.

The subconscious patterns always will emerge until the light is shone upon them and they’re questioned more deeply. You need to expose them.  Be willing to let them go and be open to creating new patterns that will likely change your life and your relationships. This is uncomfortable – which is why your desire needs to be deep and strong, but it’s so worth it.

This is also a good opportunity to acknowledge what benefits you get from the behavior you’re trying to change. 

Yep – You read that right. There must be something you gain from the behavior otherwise you wouldn’t do it, right?

In the case of food, it tastes good! Wine? YOLO!  It takes the edge off quicker than any yoga pose.  Overeating and over-drinking both distract the mind, body and nervous system from those uncomfortable emotional feelings (they create new discomfort though). Both food and alcohol provide pleasure, social connection and satisfy the neurotransmitter, Dopamine.

“Dopamine  helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them.”

Psychology Today

It’s a powerful, motivating, drive signal that’s key for our survival.

It’s also important to be neutral about the substances or behaviors we desire to change.  It’s not that food and alcohol are bad. They are delicious, enjoyable and in the case of food, essential for survival.

It’s how we use and abuse them – our behaviors around them – that needs to be examined and exposed for what they truly are doing for us. I’ll get into that more as we work our way through the framework.

For now, take the time to start with Setting your intention and vision and exploring the deeper WHY’s. Question your reasoning, excuses, fears, false beliefs, programming and patterns in a curious, loving way and share what you come up with below or directly with me.

BOTTOM LINE: Your cravings and all the urges and behaviors you feel powerless to change are based on thoughts and patterns that have much deeper, very tangled roots in your subconscious.  Get curious. They are incredible teachers on your journey out of the darkness and toward true healing.

xo, 

Ev