Love Yourself, But…

They say when you follow a statement with the word “but”, you negate the previous statement.

I guess it’s true, but (wink wink), we don’t always live by the rules as empowered women do we?

The topic today is a personal one – yet I think it’s also pretty universal for many women – maybe even some men.  I have some perspectives that may help you become more aligned with how you are now, what you really, really want and the actions you may (or may not) choose to take. Here goes..

We are told we should love and accept ourselves.

I agree.

I have a pattern of being very self critical through the years, but in my late 40s now, I’m kinder and more compassionate with myself more than ever.

I have a ways to go, for sure.

I may notice a flaw here and there (somedays it seems like everywhere), a pair of jeans not fitting quite as loosely as they did before (or needing to unbutton them, later taking them off and seeing the permanent seam indents in my flesh) or the occasional unflattering picture that sends me spiraling into mild depression.

I can’t deny what I’m experiencing and feeling in those moments. It does no good to be in denial and just gloss over it, put on a happy face, don a caftan and pour another glass of wine.  That’s called suppression – which can work on the surface level and in the short term, but it has long term consequences and creates a deeper imbalance in our spirit and body that we eventually have to deal with.

Luckily for me, the negative thoughts are fewer and fewer (and thank God for yoga pants!) and I also do what I can with diet, exercise, mindset and lifestyle in order to feel stronger, nourished and beautiful – inside and out.

As a nutritionist who has struggled with weight and hormonal imbalances her entire adult life, I abhor restrictive diets and I know first hand deprivation doesn’t work.  The body ALWAYS compensates when it’s not nourished properly (and by nourished I mean going beyond just food and supplements).

Especially as we age, you CANNOT FORCE the body into submission – it eventually backfires. You need to align with your own natural rhythms and let go of what you may be hanging onto in order to come into balance – this includes weight balance too.

So here are some questions, shifts or considerations to take in if you’re in the position where you’re not completely loving how you look (or feel), but you also are wise enough to know that extreme food restriction, over exercising, self hate and other drastic measures are not the ways to come into balance and to experience authentic self love:

• What do you really, really, REALLY want and WHY?

If your discontent and longing is rooted in cultural ideals of what women’s (or men’s) bodies “should” look like, I’m afraid to say that that is not usually a strong enough PULL or “WHY” to propel you to make the diet and lifestyle changes needed to achieve that ‘ideal’ and sustain it for life.

For a few rare birds it may be, but not for many.

That’s why I’ll often see women in fitness circles do really well with fitness or bikini prep competitions or with meal plan templates, but once the competition or 12 weeks is over, they’re headed back to their former ways of eating and their body’s follow suit. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with having a short term goal and really focusing on it and proving to yourself you can do it. But you have to really, really want it and then you have to really, really enjoy (or at least accept) a controlled maintenance way of eating and exercising forever to sustain the results. Baked chicken breast and steamed broccoli with egg whites and no alcohol sounds like torture to me personally, but I don’t want to poop on anyone’s idea of living if that’s your thing.:)

So take some time to reflect on your why’s and desires.  For me, I want to be comfortable in my skin and look good in my clothes (and swimsuit). I want to be fit so that I can do things like pull-ups, plank pushups, be able to squat heavy and run better.  I want to have great energy and a spring in my step. I want to eat in a nourishing and pleasure based way – not perfect – not obsessive or restrictive, but high quality with some wiggle room for fun. My ‘why’ is rooted in having inner and outer confidence, a little vanity, life balance (vs rigidity) and that sense of personal accomplishment…I have a bit of age defiance sparking me too – plus I want to model this level of focus balanced with flexibility and fun for my girls as well as for my clients and audience.

Once you get clear on your whys and what it is you really want, then you have to decide on what changes you’re willing to make to get that which you now KNOW you want.

Change is required.

It’s not just going to happen.  And the changes will require effort (not necessarily restriction, but it could be perceived as restriction at first – the weaker your desire, the more restrictive or burdensome the change will seem). Also the change needed is usually a combination of mindset, belief, acceptance along with diet and lifestyle changes – especially if it’s health related.

I’ll give you 2 examples from my own journey:

The first is still in process (and it may seem trivial)…It’s my pull up goal. This is something I’ve been wanting for years. I see women heavier than me do pull ups without bands. I see women who can’t lift as much weight as me do them. I see older women do them. Even my DPTs and trainers tell me I can do them. There is no reason why I can’t do a flippin’ pull up!  All I have to do is consistently practice the movements involved and believe, internalize and visualize myself doing them. This requires just a few minutes of mental and physical effort a few days a week until I actually CAN do pull ups (which seems like forever to be honest, but I’m plugging away).

This I know for sure:  I won’t ever do a pull up if I don’t practice and dedicate time to it consistently and with intention. The question is, am I committed to this desire – really? – or am I just going to lament on it and half ass it and stay right where I am? It’s all up to me.

Another example is my overcoming over drinking journey which I shared throughout last year. My drinking was bothering me. I started to feel like crap and my body felt and looked inflamed. I wasn’t at ‘alcoholic levels’ or anything (if there is such a thing), but the couple of bottles of wine each week or the weekend of Spiked Seltzers on the beach with friends were not supporting my health and the vision I had for myself.

Change was required for me to align myself with my desire. I got very, very aware and focused on my patterns and with hypnosis and consistent mindfulness applications, I programmed myself to have 2-3 drinks per occasion.  Sometimes I have more, sometimes less, but I feel much more balanced and more where I want to be in relation to alcohol – more mindful, moderate and pleasurable.

So get clear on your why’s and what it is you actually want, figure out the actions needed to get there and stay in that zone – most of the time.

If it’s weight loss you’re working on, here are some practical suggestions: When eating out, could you consistently swap a junkier food with a more nourishing food (like swap potato skins for wings or shrimp cocktail or request a double order of veggies instead of the fries or rice), hold the cheese or have sauce on the side…At home could you add more non-starchy veggies to each meal or cut back on a few drinks per week, and/or add 1 or 2 days of movement to your schedule, or increase the intensity, reps or the amount of weight you’re lifting? Do you need more restorative activities and sleep? See where I’m going – just 1 – 2 small shifts applied consistently can make a big difference over time – and most of them will actually feel better in your body anyway!

• Find someone in your life or in the public eye that puts things in a healthier, more loving perspective for you. 

I’m a huge fan of “plus size” super model Ashley Graham (#girlcrush). She loves her body – she’s strong and beautiful. Her confidence is completely an inside job. Something in her must not allow her to feel inadequate (or fat) next to size zero models. Sure she has an absolutely gorgeous face, the best makeup, hair, wardrobe, perfect lighting and a trainer, but she OWNs and loves her body – cellulite and all.  She inspires me on those occasional days where I’m feeling down about my body.

Most magazines, TV, movies and retail outlets perpetuate the “cultural ideal” of a size zero body with perfect proportions, young, tall, not too muscly.

This is changing. I see it even in my fashion magazines where “normal” larger women are now featured throughout the pages.  I see it in the Crossfit community with super strong women with bulging biceps and quads and broad backs are revered.  I see it with TV and movies where actors like Melissa McCarthy, Amy Schumer and Mindy Kaling are the reigning queens of the big and small screens (although currently sanctioned to comedy roles for some reason).

Our culture is shifting and we can be a part of that by shining – in the bodies we have – with love. (But I get it, I still want to have a leaner body composition and smoother fascia (aka cellulite) personally, but my feelings about my body are way better because of the #bodypositive movement. It’s OK to support both body acceptance and body improvement – they are not mutually exclusive!)

• Are you eating and living in balance?  

You may need a sounding board here for this one (message me – I’m happy and honored to help.)

With food, I’ll work with clients who are just not nourishing themselves properly. They have nutrient deficiencies, rely too much on processed foods and carbohydrates (often times too many carbs, but sometimes too few) and they’re inflamed and dehydrated. These require simple adjustments that eventually feel really good in the body and become second nature – so food is the easy part to tackle (believe it or not).

There may also be functional issues with digestion, autoimmunity, thyroid, adrenals, etc… that can also put the kibosh on healing and fat loss. Again, working with me or an integrative practitioner can help uncover the common root causes of these imbalances which effect weight loss.

Sleep is another huge factor. We need more – ~8 hours is the goal for most.  Sleep deprivation effects detoxification, metabolism, hormones and cravings which all impact weight balance. Get good sleep!

Stress is the toughest aspect of life and weight balance because some of us are wired for stress even when life is great, work is enjoyable, not too heavily scheduled, great relationships, family’s good – life is good! (This is me 100%!)

So why would we default to stress or worry – either consciously or unconsciously?  A lot of this has to do with programming and patterns that we’ve allowed to become deeply rooted. Some of it’s unprocessed emotions – feelings that we’ve suppressed.

For many, life really is super stressful and we need more help —  and we have to assess what can be changed to create better boundaries and balance. It’s important to have balance in our work, relationships, family/kids, money, community/friends, creativity and to look at patterns of perfectionism, avoidance, deflection, martyrdom and more of the deeper reasons why we may be stuck and may not feel fulfilled…

All I can say is you’re not alone and people want to help you. You just have to ask.

Back to the weight impact of the stress factor — well, it’s BIG.  When our body-mind perceives life as stressful (even when it doesn’t seem to be), we are wired to conserve energy because stress equates to famine in our physiology.  So metabolism will slow and fat will be stored for later use, but in reality, we have access to food in endless supply and many of us have created patterns to soothe our stress with food which only compounds the problem. So there is no famine, but the body behaves like there is! Isn’t this crazy? It’s just our survival wiring, We can’t change it, we can only change how we choose to perceive our circumstances.

So start to build some more awareness around your stress, the triggers, your patterns.  I find talking with my peeps to be invaluable. I also had the privilege of working with a life coach on some things I was working through last year.  Body work is amazing to work some things out that may be stuck – deep physical therapy, massage, acupuncture and of course, yoga are amazing ways to work things through and out the body.  I also journal, pray and meditate and read, listen, watch uplifting content – books, articles, podcasts, videos to help keep my vibration and outlook as high as possible.

In close, I want to assure you that you can love, accept — and, yet also want to improve your body.  If you’re doing everything “right” but your body seems to not be changing (or going in the opposite direction) – you are SOOO not alone.  Reflect on the above, get help, get firmly behind one or two changes you can make that are aligned with your beliefs and desires — and that truly nourish you.  Most of all be patient and kind to yourself.  I want you to know that it’s ok to want to improve your body and life – and it’s also OK if you don’t right now. You are loved regardless.

xo,

Ev

 Images: TaylorDawnfortune and AshleyGraham